A Secret to Keep From my Teenage Self

We spent the Fourth of July hand stacking hay. Yep. You heard right. We spent the FOURTH OF JULY, hand stacking hay. Why? Because we are farmers now and it had to be done, regardless of what day it was. The hay was baled we needed to get it off so they could start the irrigation and Ben is back to work on Monday. And Farming is no respecter of holidays or vacations. 

After we were near heat exhaustion and on our way home, I thought, "My teenage self would never believe this...or want to know this is her future. In fact, if I (NowMe) were to visit my teenage self (TeenMe) this is probably the conversation we would have:

NowMe: So, this is your future self. This is on the Fourth of July 2015-

TeenMe: WHAT?! Stacking hay?! Are you kidding?!

 And what is that thing on my head?! Is that a hat?! Is that in Style!? 

NowMe: Well... umm... yes, that is a hat, and no, no, not really in style... I'd say more you're just wearing the Booney hat because you are sick of getting sunburned on your neck and trying to prevent getting wrinkles on your face...although not really succeeding,

TeenMe: Wrinkles! I'm like 35!

NowMe: Ya...not even that old and yes,  It's totally lame... you wear sunscreen daily and they are still coming. And, guess what else?  You still have zits. (Gasp from TeenMe) Yep.. and that is waaay lame. 

TeenMe:  I still don't know what is more mortifying, the hideous hat or stacking hay on the Fourth! Has all of my fashion sense completely left me?!

NowMe: Well, no, not completely, I'd say you still have some of it... anyway...next pictures 

TeenMe: Who are these people?

NowMe: Well, one guy is your husband and the other guy baled the hay for you.

TeenMe: Ummm... is the skinny guy or the buff guy my husband?

NowMe: The skinny guy. The buff guy is way too short for you...your height snobbishness served you well. Your husband is a few inches taller than you and quite handsome too. You are still desperately in love with him. He works so hard for you and your family. You really are so blessed to have married him. He's one in 1.5 million. 

TeenMe: I think the saying is one in a million.

NowMe: Well, this guy is even more unique, you got a really great catch!

TeenMe: Ooookaaayyy, but why is he so skinny? 

NowMe: Well, he's always been that way, his whole family is that way. And actually a few months after you were married, he walked into the kitchen wearing your jeans. They were too big. He thought it was funny. You didn't.

TeenMe: Gasp, Was I fat or is he just really skinny?

NowMe: thinking, "I  should really skip the story about how you gain 25 pounds in a year working night shifts as a nurse...that may permanently sway her to a different career path"  So instead I say...Well, lets just say that his skinny genes rubbed off on you and after you had 4 kids you dropped 4 sizes from when you got married. 

TeenMe: Really? And I have Four kids?

NowMe: Oh Yes, they are just adorable, here they are:

TeenMe: Oh.. they are cute....but kind of look like rag-a-muffins. Why didn't I do their hair?

NowMe: Well, it was an early morning, ya know, trying to get up to do the hay before it got above 100 degrees...and really, they don't hold still and hate having their hair done. And they insist on choosing their own clothes. 

TeenMe: Well, I must not be trying hard enough. C'mon, they are still little  and I'm the mom!

NowMe: Nope. No you actually try really hard and they just don't like to cooperate..you'd be amazed at how headstrong they can be, 

TeenMe: Well, then I guess I will just have to try even harder, right? 

NowMe: Nope, You will learn that you can't control your kids like you'd like to,

TeenMe: HA! Just watch me! Those ARE cute girls, I can see that a hairdo, face wash and a trip to the Gap is in order. I WILL have cute kids ALL the time with hair done and clean faces, with fashionable clothes. And  didn't you say I had four kids?

NowMe: Oh yes, Here are your boys:

TeenMe: Two boys, two girls? How perfect! 

But what the heck is wrong with their hair? Are those....Are those Mohawks?! 

NowMe: Yes, ummm... actually those are.

TeenMe: Why do MY kids have Mohawks?

NowMe: Well, you didn't actually say they could, you see you were at work when your husband cut their hair and they wanted a Mohawk, so he said they could for a week until after the fourth of July.

TeenMe: WHAT?! He said yes...Who wears the pants in the family?!

NowMe: Welllllll, he does.

TeenMe: Ya, this is sounding more and more like NOT

 my future life.

NowMe: Well, he does a great job, he makes you think you wear the pants so you are happy, but he actually does and believe it or not, you like it that way too.

TeenMe: Ya right! 

NowMe: You've actually learned to loosen up a bit and wanted to dye their hair blue for the Fourth but didn't have time.

TeenMe: (Laughing)...ya, that'll be the day!

NowMe: Anyway, here are just a few more. 

#teachingthemyoung

#farmingbuildscharacter

TeenMe: Who are all these other people? 

NowMe; Oh, they are some neighbor kids you hired.

TeenMe: Are they CRAZY?! Why would they do that?! They look like teenagers! No teenager in their right mind would stack hay on the FOURTH OF JULY!

NowMe: Well,  I guess they wanted the money and maybe their parents wanted them to do it? I don't know. They showed up at 6:30 a.m. ready to go. 

TeenMe: Wait. Are my neighbors crazy people?  

NowMe: Nope, not crazy, they are actually all really great. you can't believe how great they are. 

TeenMe:; And what's with those number signs and no spaces under the picture for?

NowMe: Oh, those are called hashtags, it's kinda the in thing now when you label a picture.

TeenMe: Oh good, so I'm still cool and into the "in things?"

NowMe; Well, no, not really, I rarely use them.. and remember the Booney hat? 

TeenMe: OF course! How could I forget that?!

TeenMe: Is that MY kid driving the tractor and carrying that hay bale?

NowMe: Yep. 

TeenMe: How old is he? 

NowMe: He's 8.. he actually does a great job driving the tractor once it's in gear, and I don't know how he is lifting that bale. I think it weighs more than he does. You should watch that, it might hurt his back. 

TeenMe: OK-Since this ISN'T my future life, I think that WON'T be a problem. I'm never marrying a farmer. I grew up on a farm. Been there. Done that. NO thanks. Never. I know how hard it is and how miserable the work can be and how you never get to take vacation and it pays horribly. And, you have to do lame things like stack hay on holidays!! Like I said, THIS IS NOT my future life!

NowMe: Oh, but it is so pretty there and quiet and you get to teach your own kids how to work. They love being there.  See? You actually chose it.

TeenMe: Laughing, what do you mean I actually chose it?

NowMe: The farm, you chose the farm.

TeenMe: That is RIDICULOUS!!

TeenMe: I guess it's pretty, whatever, This isn't my life, this isn't my future, although those kids are pretty cute, but this is not what I am going to be doing with my family on the holidays.

This might just sound crazy to you, but I am going to avoid this completely. I'm never gonna marry a farmer. I see I need to be very careful about this... yes very careful...I  think I will marry a doctor! 

NowMe: Oh Honey, Be careful what you wish for. 

Branding and Calf Fries

This last weekend, just down the road from our farm, we had a chance to go to a Branding. It was quite the experience. We met the posse in the pasture and started to set up. It was just like you see in the Westerns. These cowboys rounded up the cattle and moved them quickly to the temporary holding pen easy as pie.  And then they cut the cows from the calf really quickly too. It made me think of the times we chased calves as kids and moved them from one pasture to the next or across the busy street. Maybe if we had horses and cow dogs our job would have been a little easier too. 

We have met several farm dogs in the last few weeks and I am amazed at how trained and obedient they are. I think it is because they aren't just pets, they are being used for a purpose- and every creature needs a purpose- and these dogs seemed to get satisfaction out of doing a good job. 

Cows and calves in the pen before cutting the cows out. 

Then the fun started. Our friend, J, wanted to give the boys a job. He suggested the jobs: one could hold the branding iron and the other hold the "bucket of nuts."  Huh? was the faces of our boys.

 J said to me, "You might be able to explain it a little nicer than I will.." so he left and we had a quick discussion of difference between bulls and steers, definition of castration and what all that entails. We didn't even make it halfway through the conversation when Carter decided he was out and would have no part...he decided he'd rather throw rocks in the creek than hang around and witness any of that.

 Where I come from, they call these Rocky Mountain Oysters. and there is no way in heck any of us would eat them.  J called them Calf Fries and he said they donate them to some big fundraising dinner for hunters/sportsmen where they savor this delicacy. And, you may already have guessed, Bridger decided he would hold the branding iron. So, I that left me in charge of the "bucket." 

Bridger with the branding iron, M is J's wife in the background getting vaccinations ready.

They had three horsemen in the pen, each would rope a calf by the hooves and drag them out to a trap that would hold the head. Obviously you want the calf to hold still while everything is being done. 

The girls took safety on the back of a golf cart. All these mooing cows and calves were making them nervous. 

Growing up, we had a chute that the calves would go through and we could lock the head. J said the chute just takes the fun out of it.  

Ben was asked to "run a needle" knowing that he had medical experience and what not. 

I don't think they realized he doesn't "run a needle" often.....or not at all... at least not at all in the last six years. It came back fast and he ran it like a pro.

Bridger's job was also keeping the cord out of the way and bringing in the iron just in time. Nobody got burned so I'd say he did a great job.

Smells just like the operating room. 

And since it aint everyday you get to harvest Calf Fries, I thought I'd give 'er a try. 

This was the approximate teaching I got:

J: grab and cut about halfway down. ( the testicles, and just using his pocket knife, mind you) Don't be shy, you aint gonna hurt 'im.

Me: What?! (pausing ) why do you think this won't hurt?

J- (I think more annoyed at my pausing than the question) Just carry on and be quick

So, I grabbed and cut.

J: Now, take your hands like a C and scrape down the belly til you see 'em shoot out, grab and split the two with yer finger. (Showing me and then made me do it.)

J; Now that you have 'em, pull hard, go up and down (the ducts) and scrape the membrane off with yer finger nail til you hear a pop. Once you hear the pop, you know you got it. Then, take the knife and scrape up and down til their cut. Spray and yer done. 

Step one with J watching over me

Step two

Step Three.
 Gotta love the Gap sweatshirt girl with designer shades holding up Calf Fries with a smile. 

J told me you're supposed to hold the pocket knife in your mouth in between the steps so it doesn't get dirty.  (K, wait, WHAT?! You want me to hold THAT knife in my mouth? First of all, who knows where that knife has been and second,  I KNOW WHERE that knife has been today and who has been holding it and with what hands and what those hands have been doing! You mean that knife?! Yep. That knife.) That sounded like a BAD idea, so I slowly and meticulously laid it on my knee and balanced it as careful as I could. It laid there perfectly for about one second  and it immediately fell on the ground. J: " And that's why you hold it in your mouth." Uuhh.
So he picked it up and sprayed it with the antiseptic/anti-insect spray to clean it. 

So on the next bull, guess where I put THAT knife in between steps. Yep. My mouth. 

The morning went quick. When it was over, the women folk threw a sheet over the flat bed truck as a table cloth, put out lasagna and bread, fried chicken, potato salad and slaw, soda and cookies.  Some cleaned up, And I scraped vas deferens from under my finger nails. We rinsed our hands (some in the creek.. one was nice enough to share a water bottle with me for rinsing.) and with those hands (what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?) we enjoyed a great lunch in the pasture while talking farm.  Some of the kids threw dried cow pies at each other, not mine of course. 

The girls even bummed a horse ride

Kids played with the puppy and played fetch with the farm dogs

I was asking J who all these people were as we were setting up. He said, "family, friends, its all the same to us." And that is what I love about country folk.  Everyone is family and we were treated that way. We bought our farm to give our children experiences that would build character, expose them to things they otherwise wouldn't have chances to do and to teach them the value of hard work. So far, I think it's going as planned. Thanks J and M for a day of Branding and Calf Fries.